The question

#blog #writing #web #design

I've never been one thing.  I've always been this series of deep dives into weird niche worlds that i've been obsessed by, or orbiting around the worlds of other people  Web design was best for me when I was bringing print world themes to the digital landscape and wrapping my friends and family in the drama of my observations of what I saw in them.  I've done a lot of failed experimentation for like the last five years, and it seems like nothing has come natural to me since KungFu.  I've been able to cobble together this pseudo portfolio and then sprinking ideas around it.

So who am I now?

I have never really wanted to be a photographer, but i love taking pictures; I relate to Vivian Maier. I help to run a business.  I for godsakes do not want that to be my identity*.  I'm ok with  babbling about technology, consider myself absolutely still to be a technologist, but that also isn't me.  How do I do me now? What does that presence look like? I've seen engineers focusing on a narrative threaded throgh their hobbies and detailing their contribution to said hobbies.  I sorta do that.

I'm at a loss.  I don't think I am the new me, I don't think i'm KungFu either though.  I definitely don't know what I want out of a web interface anymore.

But I’m going to write myself out of this hole and I don’t know how many letters I need to spew forth, to climb out of trap, before the creep comes back and says it puts the lotion in the basket.

*I don’t mind if my identity is that I help to run a business.  If you’ve never helped to run a business it is hard to explain.  If you have helped to run a business, or you do run a business you get it.  And if you’re like me, a small business owner who inserts himself into other slightly larger small businesses and then picks food out of that businesses teeth as it were, you really get me.  That is a weird one though.  I’ve never been a conventional employee and scoff at the thought of being called an employee.

This is another thought for another time.

I think I’ve decided that I’m buried in this world and I can’t feel the truth, but I’m close.  We’re all searching for lost worlds. It must certainly be a struggle to realize your entire life you might go unsatisfied.  You might take your last breath and still not have realized peace or how to be the person you wanted to be.  What is that.  I’ve seen it in the eyes of people who lost hope. I don’t know if i have good examples of people who I felt like were always unsatisfied, but still looking.  Is that any kind of life to live, just realizing you haven’t found your peace? What toll does it take on those around you, if you ‘re haunted, not at night, but during your waking hours, desperate in every action to try to make things better.  Really maybe, then you’re the ghost and you’re just haunting people with your certain uncertainty of things being not quite right.

I’ve never been anything.